2010 British General Election

The 2010 British General Election – The Unexpected Revolution (A Spoof!)

Updated on 9 July, 2018

The Election Starts

The 2010 British General Election was a disaster for party democracy as we knew it.

The General Election started with the Labour Prime Minister taking advantage of an upturn in the economy and a scandal in the Conservative Party. He went to the country with opinion polls showing disbelief in both the major parties and no real enthusiasm for the Liberals.

As the election progressed, the opinion polls showed both parties close, with the Liberals being squeezed. The “won’t vote” and “undecided” were very high, with both parties trying to rally their core supporters as well as appealing to the middle ground. At that point either party might have won with a small majority.

Election Upset

On the Monday of Election week, a video appeared on YouTube, swiftly followed by the other video sites. It showed the three party leaders in Masonic regalia, apparently inducting a leading UKIP politician into their Masonic lodge. The newspapers reported it, and there was national outrage.

Naturally, all the people pictured denied being involved. They said they were not Freemasons.

The Freemason organization said on Wednesday morning that they did not keep records centrally of who was a Freemason and that the Freemasons never commented on such allegations, however much pressure was put on them.

On Wednesday afternoon it was explained that MI6 had been running a training course for black propaganda. One of the creations had somehow slipped out. It had been posted on YouTube by someone who thought the video funny.

Not enough people believed this story.

On Election Day (Thursday) tens of millions of voters turned out to vote, including many previously “won’t vote” or “undecided” voters.

They went to the polling stations determined to vote against all four parties. Very often, the only other candidate on the ballot paper was a Green or a Monster Raving Loony.

The Greens and Monster Raving Loonies had a comfortable majority over every other party combined. The Nationalists were upset that their candidates only won if they had no Monster or Green candidate against them. The people had spoken – decisively.

The Monster Green Alliance was quickly formed. Their leaders were used to thinking “outside the box” and in some cases were thought to be “off the planet”.

Their combination of low cunning, populism, intellectual dishonesty and sheer cheek has awed even past Presidents of the Oxford Union (the famous Oxford University Debating Society). It has created huge problems for the former mainstream parties.

Transport

Ken Livingstone was made Commissioner for London Transport, with a seat in the House of Lords pending the abolition of the House of Lords. His role was to run all public transport in London. Richard Branson was given trains on the same basis. A professor from Glasgow was given coach travel and buses.

The brief to all of them was to improve public transport quickly to reduce carbon emissions. The public transport subsidy was initially large but the subsidy has a staged reduction over 10 years, so people will eventually pay the full cost of their travel.

Car tax was abolished except for new cars, on the basis that people should pay currently for use of resources, not for past resources. The cost of fuel for private motoring went up.

The insurance rules were changed to encourage car sharing and car pools.

Petrol stations now have to check with DVLA every time they switch on the pumps to check that the car has insurance and a current MOT.  No insurance and MOT, no fuel.

Lorries had their fuel tax reduced, as part of an anti-inflation drive.

It was announced that if a fuel crisis occurred, petrol stations would be required to sell fuel in units of £30 to stop people filling their cars pointlessly. It is a form of rationing that makes sense, and will be in operation only when there is a fuel crisis.

There have been no more fuel crises.

The rural lobby was pacified by the rural minibus service, where people can order a cheap minibus to take them into town and out again.

The congestion charge was introduced in all major cities and the tourist destinations such as Brighton, Stratford upon Avon, Chester, and York. The CBI and TUC agreed early on that core work time would now not be 9-5 but 10-4, to allow travel to be staggered and for individuals to have more choice about their working hours.

Crime

A large Scottish island was found for sex offenders. The island has no mobile telephone or internet access.

Sex offenders may trade years in prison for years on the island at the rate of 1 year in prison for 3 years on the island.

The prisoners earn a living by building prefabricated houses, hospitals, and schools, which are shipped to where they are needed. They also make wave power “ducks” which are then installed off the coast.

People who misbehave on the island are taken back to prison. Prisoners may stay on the island voluntarily after serving their sentences. After the introduction of “Megan’s Law”, sex offenders’ homes are listed on the internet, so most sex offenders prefer the island.

Many prisoners have poor education. A Further Education college was set up on a disused military base to educate prisoners.

Prisoners start with the 3Rs – recognition, respect, and responsibility. (Recognition of the effect on others of their past activities, Respect for others and themselves, and Responsibility for their own futures.) Reading writing maths and IT follow.

Prisoners earn remission through education, and may stay on the base voluntarily to complete their studies. They may stay on the base after their sentence and after their education. They prepare medical kits and disaster relief packs, stockpiled until needed somewhere in the world.

The terrorist suspects were required to live in rural Northumberland, subject to electronic tagging, and the normal communications embargoes. If they did not like that, or broke the conditions, it was back to prison. Their families could live with them, but subject to the same embargoes.

Drugs and other reforms

The fastest reduction in crime ever recorded took place when the Monster Green Alliance authorized Post Offices and chemists to sell marijuana, heroin, cocaine, and Ecstasy “over the counter”.  It was announced that other drugs would follow.

The thinking was fourfold:

  • · If drugs are made cheap, there is no profit in criminals importing them to make money out of human misery.

  • · If drugs are cheap, there is no need for addicts to commit crime to raise money for drugs.

  • · If drugs are so cheap, there are no “pushers”, which means young people are not offered drugs.

  • · Some youngsters will experiment. The fact that the Government runs the enterprise means that the drugs do not contain contaminants.

Crime reduced within weeks. Funding for alcohol tobacco and drug addiction treatment was increased, because treating the addicts is cheaper than dealing with their cost to society. This was easily funded out of the reduction in prison places needed because of the other measures.

Shoplifting and burglary do worse than involve the police and the courts. These offences are symptoms of a social disorder of some kind, so offenders are then investigated by social workers and psychologists. There is a significant danger that committing these offences will plague you with social workers for 10 years or more – a real deterrent.

Violence while under the influence of drink carries an immediate 30 day prison sentence and a one year ban on drinking alcohol on top of any other sentence. A second conviction – even if the conviction is on the same court appearance – carries 90 days and a ban on drinking alcohol for 3 years. Any person subject to such a ban can be breathalised at any time, even in their own home. Breach means further prison.

The Young and the Unemployed

Immigration was subject to a “one out one in” policy, which was monstrously unfair but very popular.

People on benefit are still entitled to their benefit. They have to appear at the Employment Centre at 8am (or 10am for those with school age children). They go out doing environmentally friendly jobs that need doing in the locality or they receive education or training. Some are attached to schools, to be classroom assistants. Some are required to befriend elderly people. Not arriving on time means they lose a day’s pay. Every school now has ample classroom assistants and there are no isolated old people.

There are a lot more real police working with disaffected youth. ASBOs can be replaced by RFCs where people are Removed From the Community and spend months yomping over the Highlands and the Welsh mountains with trained soldiers and very fit counselors until they come to their senses.

Once they have come to their senses there are residential schools to help with the 3Rs and their academic education. If they behave well while on home leave they are eventually allowed home permanently. There is also a fast track into the Army Technician Education system if they wish it.

Incentives to vote

The NHS was given free television time for a weekly health program just before the National Lottery draw. The NHS uses the slot sensibly to increase general understanding of health issues. The First Aid segment is popular, and saves lives.

The National Lottery program is also used to choose members for the Senate, which has replaced the House of Lords. People are selected from the Electoral Roll, one each week. People with unspent criminal convictions are barred, and people can ask not to be selected, but otherwise people are selected at random for a 5-year stint. They do not have to serve, but if they do not serve they are not replaced. The salary is 6 times the minimum wage, the same as for MPs. The Senators have proper support services centrally organized.

Legal aid was abolished for everyone except children and for people claiming political asylum. However, if you vote at a Council or General Election you receive a £100 voucher for legal fees, current for 4 years. You may use it for yourself or transfer it to anyone or to any group.

Greenpeace and Shelter and the RSPCA and the NSPCC now have huge legal funds. All the NIMBY groups opposed to planning applications now have good funding from the outset.

Criminals can use vouchers from friends family and neighbours, or even steal them, but quite quickly have to decide whether to fight their case without funding or simply plead guilty.

Another benefit of voting is the rebate on Council Tax. If you vote you receive a 10% rebate. A family with 4 voters can earn 40% off their Council Tax. Those on benefits still receive the rebate. Participation in elections has risen to 98%.

Council Tax rose to pay for it, but Council Tax has been rising for so long that no-one really noticed. However everyone enjoys their rebate, everyone approves of voluntary high election turnouts, so this “con” is here to stay.

Social Reforms

Employers were told that if they did not have a trade union recognition agreement in force, any dismissal they made would be deemed automatically unfair because of a lack of workplace democracy. Union membership doubled in 3 months.

Many trade unions asked Labour what Labour could do that was better than this, and started switching political donations to the Monster Green Alliance when they got no acceptable answer.

The Personal Injury Authority was set up with the forced cooperation of the insurance companies. If you are injured you are compensated. All the money that used to be spent on lawyers experts and doctors disputing liability and disputing the amounts involved has been saved, and roughly meets the extra cost of injuries for which the injured person might have been held responsible. There is a tough fraud section.

The medical negligence section monitors which hospitals and which doctors attract the most claims, and intervenes at the surgery or hospital to identify the problem and to resolve it. The PIA has the power to refuse further insurance to an unsafe doctor or hospital.

Children may now leave school at 14 if they can pass a test in English Maths and IT.

From then on, if they choose to stay at school, they receive payments based on attendance and good behaviour, getting larger each year.

Apprenticeships were brought back to everyone’s approval. Apprenticeships in nursing and ancillary medical skills and teaching were brought in. The Engineering and Construction industries were given considerable support. A CORGI type registration scheme is now in service for all builders, so the cowboy builders are virtually all now gone.

Military Improvements

Anyone who does two years military service or three years approved voluntary work is entitled to one year of free Higher Education including maintenance grants. This was a real boon for working class kids. People who serve longer are entitled to higher rates of maintenance grant and more years of study.

People who have not chosen to serve their country are of course allowed to go into Higher Education – after everyone who has served their country has won a place at the University of their choice.

Oxford and Cambridge Universities are now distinctly proletarian.

The Monster Green Alliance has had very few foreign wars, mostly interventions to reduce genocide.

Our engineering and education and medical battalions have been very popular.

Traditional armed forces deal with “the enemy” while our Engineers build bridges roads wells and schools amazingly quickly, our doctors and nurses provide their care, and teachers provide education. The prefabricated buildings, bridges and disaster kits arriving by airship flotillas make an amazing impression.

These “hearts and minds” victories help our military forces achieve their victories by increasing support and information from the local population.

There was controversy over the English Foreign Legion, composed of rejects from society who serve in the EFL instead of serving time in prison. “Why give guns to psychopaths?” was the cry. The answer is that they are very effective in certain situations where heavy casualties are expected and the Government is reluctant to risk traditional troops.

Financial Stability

The City was told that the Government recognizes that the City has an important role to play. However, the succession of financial scandals where the Government has had to become involved shows that self regulation as currently practiced does not work. While trading and even speculation can have value in giving liquidity to a market, the Government does not see why it should guarantee the functioning of a casino.

The City was given 3 months to agree which financial operations including derivatives have practical value for industry and commerce. Those would be permitted. Everything else was simply illegal. A new form of financial manoeuvre could be added to the “legal” list if the City agreed.

A “twist” was that any financial instrument purchased attracted tax if it was sold within 12 months, even if it was sold at a loss. The idea was to make speculators more careful what they bought, and to dampen down speculation as opposed to investment.

An exception was made for jobbers and for “pariahs”. Pariahs are companies who register as professional speculators. They are only allowed to play with their own capital (not loans), and may only “short” if they have spare cash to meet any losses. They give monthly liquidity and position reports to the Financial Services Agency and have tough liquidity rules.

It would be wrong to say there have been no financial scandals since, but there has usually been an underlying explanation. More important, the lack of froth has meant that the City has been forced to become even more efficient at its core businesses.

At one time, the Human Rights Act was thought to be a bar to some of these moves. The overall effect of the package has been to improve the quality of people’s lives immensely. The Government argued at Strasbourg that the measures were indivisible; being part of a package overwhelmingly ratified at a further General Election. The European Court of Human Rights said that the changes were just about within the “margin of appreciation”.

More important, most of Europe is copying us!